Virtual Golf Characters
By windowsurfer on 2/28/11
We asked for readers to send in blog posts- and Mitch "windowsurfer" Toews sent in his first (of hopefully many)!
By definition, we're oobers golf. We really like golf. Many oobers use oobgolf to scratch the itch during those tortuous W periods when we can't golf. Work, winter, wife. It's virtual golf and as we participate in the oobsphere, we take on a virtual personality. These virtual personalities are built on a somewhat homogeneous foundation: my guess is that most of us are male, middle class or wealthy, anglo saxon (whatever the hell that actually is), married with kids, employed, 35 or older, 60 or younger, played HS sports, college educated. We tape Saturday Night Live, we buy the SI Swimsuit edition, we love The Masters. We buy crap on eBay and own (way) more than 14 clubs.
Anyway, here are some of the classic virtual personalities out there, in oobville.
Judge Smails - You are just a little preachy there, Church Lady. You know Tiger's GIR from 1998, down to two decimals. (Hey! So do we - it's the internet.) You make long, laborious points that take two or three posts to complete. You post corrections to corrections of rule interpretations. You have appeared on Face the Nation.
Bob Hope - You like to banter. Master of the one-liner, oobers depend on you to right the ship when a thread unravels. At least that's what you think. You mix metaphors. You know who Edith Prickley is. You've posted, "That's what she said," in a thread.
The Slut - a people-pleaser, you're sanguine, agreeable, and can leap onto tall bandwagons in a single bound. Nodding like a bobble-headed dog, you can capitulate with the best of them. Hit down on the ball: that's what I do, always have . . . stay behind it like Bubba; sheeeeeee-it, I've done that since grade school . . . stack and tilt; right and on . . . oversized grips and pured shafts; of course, except if someone makes a good case for something else. You're nodding right now.
Henry Fonda - champion of the lost cause, vindicator of the down-trodden and protector of the weak. You'll take on all comers. Your motto - "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." ATTICA! ATTICA! We salute you, except when you go too far and get a little Smailsy.
Andy Rooney - you don't get it, you don't like it, you think it's BS, you wouldn't waste your money on it, you wouldn't own one of those, they haven't made a decent one since the 80's. Wears Attends.
Simon (True Lies) - a reverse sandbagger in the real world who is always "having my worst game ever" and "can't understand what's wrong today." But who hits oob greens without fail, never leaves an digital putt short, drives it l-o-n-g right down the water line in all his posts. Yeah, yeah. Yelling the answers out at the TV when Jeopardy is on is not real, either and we all do it, but DUDE . . . come on.
NORM! - yeah, you know him; the guy who posts all the time, makes no enemies, not afraid to mix it up a little - but keeps it positive. A regular guy, doesn't have all the answers, makes some good points. Good old Norm. Probably has breasts and a va-jay-jay.
Tie Domi - oobgolf, doesn't really have one of these, but I think we could use one. I'm talking about an instigator, a disturber, rude, obnoxious, unabashed. A lout, who is often infuriatingly right (that's the hard part) and who doesn't care if he is wrong. Now hiring - be the straw that stirs the oob drink. (I think we're a bit too polite -- we need an Aussie rules oobgolf, eh?)
[ comments ]
That's what she said.
I probably have breasts, "NORM"
Nailed us. I have 16 clubs.
Entertaining essay that hits quite a few nails on the head. I will admit to having a bit of the Judge in me as well as Hank Fonda, although I work at trying to be Norm (including growing breasts).
So which slot does Windsurfer plug himself into?
@bkuehn1952 . . . Alas, Windsurfer, I knew him well. Sadly, I've been all of the above.
haha. full article FTW. Loved it :)
Who are you to come off like this?!! I mean I know that my comments are the best based on stats that I personally keep and because of my personal experiences and I know what's best for everyone else. But I digress... And I'm sorry if I came on too strong... I know you're probably a great person and I'd love to play a round of golf with you if I had the chance!
[Did I get them all?...]
- Great and very witty article, Windowsurfer! Hoping you contribute again!
Never bought an Issue of SI, College edecations are mainly a piece of paper they give to average people who like to do paper work, I Don't watch Saturday Night Live because its crap now. But I do shop on E-bay although my new Irons came new from Golf Galaxy.
@mortalsword: If I were more sensitive, I might be offended by your stereotype of my paper-pushing-loving averageness. However, I know we are all golfers so ultimately, there is no need to feel slighted.
Tha Clint says:
I was just thinking....talk about uneven lies
People who think they know everything, really annoy those of us who do.
Matt F says:
Did someone say Aussie rules??
I guess I'm a Norm, with the chest of Shelly Long. under 35, cracker ass cracker, desk job, overall BAMF.
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