Observations from the Edge
By windowsurfer on 4/18/11
Mitchell "windowsurfer" Toews opens up about his struggles on the golf course. His descriptive writing should definitely generate some chuckles.

With the disclaimer that everything here is entirely personal and may be 100% unique to my golf experience, here are some observations from someone with a persistently rising handicap.

"My golf experience" sounds to my mind's ear a tad grandiose; over-reaching and over-baked. Maybe even preposterous, if you would see me trudging down a flooded fairway, head down, mud splashed up to my knees as I walk away from the center of the mowed surface towards the wet, brown grave where my last shot came to rest, gorse-bound. But not to rest in peace, for that is my first observation:

In golf, there is no peace. It's like the Middle East or "The View". Constant war, interrupted only periodically by short periods of quiet joy, as a properly flighted 8 iron, lands with a syrupy plop on the green, near the hole. Who declared war on my game?

I get home, pop open a medicinal beverage and hit "Play", only to see the finest general, with the mightiest army fall victim to the same fearsome enemy. Tin Cup revisited, as cold-hearted Johnny reports from the front lines, "Oh, he pulled that two footer. That's disappointing,". Yeah, Miller - tell me about it - I murmur darkly, as I enter yet another 3-putt into the oobgolf online record-o-shame.

Death to e-bay. *LOOK*, MINT! Rare!! Make an Offer. My eyes dart over the blurry images as I review yesteryear's $400 drivers, tomorrow's false promise. Full frontal free shipping in continental US. BUY NOW! it screams at me, blinking knowingly. "Pimp!", I mutter. "What's that?" says the one who gives me orders (and formerly, children), glancing anxiously at the screen. "Nothing, dear!" I stammer, rushing to "clear history" as the cock crows, thrice.

I feel dirty. I should go to the driving range.

Oh, speaking of the Driving Range. Another siren; falsifier; painless practice pit. Shank? No matter - just draw another double striped Nike up. Click! There, that's better. Then, after 50 consecutive punishing, laserbeam driver shots arc high towards - now over - the 250 sign I proclaim myself r-e-a-d-y. Nodding to those who stare in wonder at he who rules the range, I stride like Moses in spiked sandals out of the desert to the first tee box . . . only to top that pipsqueek 75-yard squibber. The one that ends up rattling along the cart path for an extra 10 yards or so. "Good strategy," declares my grim partner, clearly dismayed at his immediate financial future.

But that's all for now, dear friends. Friends who, I know, would be only to glad to remind me, after my final waggle, "make sure you don't hit it in the water on the left, Mitch!" Well, no fear there, old buddy. I just got this high MOI, poutine-injected, mid flex, low kick, frappin on the frim fram driver, so, heeeeeeere's JOHNEE!

This was written by Mitchell Toews, a reader/follower/fellow oober and the opinions are 100% his and do not necessarily reflect those of oobgolf in anyway. Enjoy! I'm sure he's ready for your feedback.

photo source

[ comments ]
birdieXris says:
Sir, you've brought me back from yet another near mental breakdown at work> Well done. :)
bkuehn1952 says:
@windowsurfer: You are merely a single purchase of the latest $599 driver away from mastering this game. Go for it!
ppinkert says:
Oh the truth of it all. The bidder sweet, mind twisting, truth of it all. I feel your pain.
ppinkert says:
Bitter even
Kickntrue says:
@ppinkert- I thought "bidder" was a nice play on words with the eBay reference. Well done, sir, even if by accident.
SD Charlie says:
It's gold! I love it. Sounds eerily familiar to my own "experiences."
TeT says:
*MINT* keep em coming...
lcgolfer64 says:
Great Stuff Window!
It echo's in resiliant verbose to the game I play week-in and week-out in my mind as I start to play every time.
One of the kids said "I'm 5 1/2 inches away from great golf game." Oh how sadly spoke truth that is...
windowsurfer says:
Dispatch from the frontlines: (today) bought a 4W on ebay; discovered a new swing on the driving range; shot 82 (37 on the back to fight off the blitzkrieg of 5 penalty strokes on the front and - ultimately - round was saved by 24 putt performance.)

I'll count today as a win. Peace, brothers.
Bryan K says:
This was great:) I love how I was able to hit my new Tour Striker flawlessly for a whole bucket of balls on the range, but then couldn't hit an iron shot to save my life for the ensuing 18 holes. Standard.
mmontisano says:
i'll take this over Shipnuck's ramblings any day. keep submitting your musings. i'll read them.
Kurt the Knife says:
good voice.
me gusta
Torleif Sorenson says:
Please keep writing like this! We oobers need to be Toews-zered from time to time. Brilliant!
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