Rules For Bad Golfers
By joe jones on 2/22/12
Joseph Jones is well on his way to becoming a regular contributor on oob, and for that, we applaud him! Here is his latest submission. If you missed his previous submissions, you can read them here, here, here and here.

When hitting into the group head of you, don’t holler fore. Look out or duck is more appropriate. Don’t ever apologize. It shows weakness on your part.

When one of your playing partners is concentrating on a putt, it is always correct to jiggle change, cough, move around or mutter a swear word or two.

When leaving a sand trap it is normal to leave your footprint so the next SOB can suffer the same fate as you. Don’t ever use a rake. That is for grass and leaves.

Pull carts are allowed on the green. You should be able to get within one foot of the hole without doing too much damage. You can drive a golf car to the edge of the green. After all, golf courses are supposed to be user friendly.

Fairway divots should only be sanded or replaced if you feel you are being observed by unfriendly golfers or a belligerent grounds keeper.

Advice to a playing partner should always be delivered in a loud voice. Things like “hit the damn ball” or “get out of the way” go a long way to speeding up the game.

Casual water is any moisture area on the course. That includes lakes, ponds and streams. Why they put those on the course is beyond me. Free drop. No penalty.

Improving your lie is just part of the game. Any method you use is acceptable as long as your playing partners don’t see you. If they do, lie about it.

A loose impediment or man made obstruction is anything that gets in the way of you enjoying your day. It is always okay to move it, knock it down, tear it up or move your ball from behind it in order to enable you to make a swing. Things like that shouldn’t be there in the first place.

A lost ball is declared only if you can’t boot it into the next county or drop another without your playing partners seeing you.

When your partner finds your lost ball and asks you “what were you playing”, you should always respond with “what did you find”? When he answers always say “Yep, that’s mine”. Regardless of what kind of ball he found.

Any artificial object which interferes with your play, move your ball. No penalty.

There is no such thing as an out of bounds, especially on the right side of the hole. Playing off of grass in somebodies back yard, maintenance area or parking lot is totally acceptable.

A ball on the putting green may be lifted and cleaned and replaced a foot or two closer as long as you are not observed.

When a ball has ceased rolling and is balanced on the edge of the hole, it is appropriate to show disgust and jump up and down next to the hole for at least a minute. You may get a six instead of a seven on the hole.

Every par three hole is designed to humiliate golfers. How can you take a six on a par three hole?

Golf carts always run out of juice or gas at the furthest point from the clubhouse.

A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. I prefer to refer to it as a power fade. When good golfers talk about taking one side of the course out of play, I think this is what they must be referring to.

Golf should be given up at least once a month, but all vows muttered on the golf course should only be valid until sunset of the same day.

A personal observation on my part: if you cannot force yourself to repair divots, ball marks or rake traps perhaps you should take up swimming. At least then when you leave the pool the water will fill in the hole you left behind. Then again, you are probably the same person who doesn’t leave the pool to go potty.

This was written by Joseph Jones, a reader/follower/fellow oober and the opinions are 100% his and do not reflect those of oobgolf in anyway. Enjoy! I'm sure he's ready for your feedback.

Flickr, Phoenix Dark-Knight

[ comments ]
AbsoluteZero says:
I'm embarrassed to admit, I've followed some of these. We refer to them as "winter rules". I guess it's time to grow up, play by the real rules and keep a handicap.

great post.
DaRupp13 says:
These are the rules of a non handicap keeper, unfortunately like most of the people with whom I play. These bad rules are all too true...

My least favorite which isn't listed here, the mulligan and the "I'm playing the first one, I just needed to hit one for my sanity." Yet when the score is added, shockingly that original hit isn't included.
bobhooe says:
if they did not want me to pee in the pool then why did they put in a swim up bar.
Kurt the Knife says:
Wow, I didn't know this guy was paired with me.
accarson3 says:
Nice post, under "improving your lie," one of my favorites is "lift, clean and play" - even in dry weather.
tartantoml says:
"breakfast" ball on the first hole only if you hit it out of bounds before sunrise. Stop with the Mulligan's, its an ethnic slur.
legitimatebeef says:
Ouch, but these things needed to be said. Nice one Jojo.
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