This will keep you busy all day.
I Post Stuff You Send Me
By Kickntrue on 4/1/08
I'm just a pawn to our users, I swear. I was sent two sets of golf jokes last night- so you can find all that goodness after the jump. If you don't think it's funny... either harass M2D and Volleyhart until they quit oob (please don't really do that), or send me better stuff.
ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THIS :
*Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
*Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
*When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
*If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there..
*The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
*No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
*The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors
*Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
*A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
*It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10.
*Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
*Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
*It's not a gimme if you're still away.
*The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
*You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
*If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
*Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
*When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
*Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
*If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
*To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
*There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
*Hazards attract; fairways repel.
*A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
*If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
*It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard
*A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
*Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
*A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are... that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
*If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
*Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
*It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
*If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
And Now For More Jokes
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, 'You are spectacular, you're name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?'
Mickelson replied, 'The holes are numbered'
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole my son?' The young man says, 'An 8-iron, father. How about you?' The priest says, 'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.' The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, 'I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.'
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, 'Ma'am, is that your husband?' 'Yes' says the woman.
'Did you hit him with that golf club?' 'Yes, yes, I did.' The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face. 'How many times did you hit him?' 'I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times... just put me down for a five.'
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, 'Are you a good golfer', to which the man replied: 'Got here in two, didn't I?'
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said:' What are your golf clubs doing here'? He looked her right in the eye and said, 'This isn't going to take all day, is it?
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hey! What did I do?
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