Dick Butkus - almost inhumane.
Ernie Els Wins & 10 Important Tips For Naming Your Child
By Kickntrue on 3/29/10
As expected, Ernie Els finished off his victory this morning at Bay Hill. As promised- we're going to discuss baby names.

If you want info on Ernie's win- click here. It's his second win on Tour in as many starts and it sure looks like he's "back," at least that's what they're saying on TV. I didn't he went anywhere.

And now, the good stuff.

10 Tips For Naming Your Children (Inspired By Ernie's Win)

First- you should consider me an expert on this subject. See- you thought I was going to say SHOULDN'T but after months of researching a name for my first child (less than a year ago) I realized something; anyone who writes on baby sites on the subject is much dumber than me. So- I'm the expert- and you're about to get a schooled. Listen up, future parents!

1 Look At The Top 100 Baby Names For The Past Year ... AND IGNORE IT. Why would you want your kid to share a name with 5 kids in his class? There is one exception to this rule.

2 You can always go with a traditional (Biblical) name, especially for males. You can't really go wrong with James, Andrew, or John. William is solid here as well- though not Biblical. There is one exception here as well.

3 Don't name your kid anything that can be made "Dick." I don't care if you're name is Richard Smith XII. Don't make your kid the 13th Dick to carry on your name. Why would you do that? Peter also falls into this category. I'm not sure if there is a female equivalent but stay on your toes. If you're not sure if a name could be slang for anatomy- ditch it. If you're still not sure- watch a season or two of South Park in the 3rd trimester.

4 Project yourself to 5th grade. This is an extension of the previous rule. Once a kid reaches the age of 10 or 11, they start to learn a lot of really neat words. It's important to stay away from anything that rhymes. I'd list examples... but this is a family website. This is where Ernie Els comes into play. I know he is South African, but they get PBS there, right?! You name your kid Ernie- and people are going to put him in a bathtub with a rubber duckie, being way too happy while living with another dude with a creepy name like Bert. ... Just saying. [For the record- Els given name is Theodore Ernest Els.]

5 Think about the nickname. I spent my whole life being called "Downtown Andy Brown." Every single time I was called that- people thought they were being original. I got off easy. Your kid will have a hard enough time avoiding a devastating nickname in gym class (probably from the showers). Don't help the process.

6 Expect a nickname. Not only should you plan on negative nicknames- you should also plan on there being one. Parents who insist their kid's name is "Jonathan" and not "John" or "Michael" instead of "Mike" need beat up. Nicknames and shortened names happen. Don't be a prick about it.

7 Celebrity kid's names should be avoided like the plague. Apple? Aiden? Jayden? Maddox? Rule 1 knocks most of these out of the running- but they only get on the list because of the idiocy of our mothers and fathers. I guess if you live in a trailer park (not that there is anything wrong with that) you can ignore this rule. Just don't expect the Apple (BAZINGA!) to fall far from the tree.

7 Save family names for the middle initial. Your mother's maiden name is Hiddensnatch? Your dad's dad was named Verne? That's nice too. Please at the very least (and only if you have to) make it a middle name- so your kid can just use an initial.

8 If you go exotic- you better make sure you're kid is a stud. Octavian, Thunder, Attica. You better hope your kid is awesome at sports in high school. If so- your name will ring like a prophecy of awesomeness every time it appears in the local paper. If not- you're kid is just going to get beat up. Does the name make the kid of the kid the name? Oh- by the way- those are all names of my family members... seriously.

9 If you have a boring last name- you can be more creative. I actually played this card. If you're last name is Smith, Brown, Jones, etc, you can go a little further out on a limb with your name. My parents almost named me Isaac until my dad chickened out thinking it was too crazy. My kid is stuck with "Brown" forever, so I named him Holden. Not too crazy, but not so popular that I couldn't buy a .com with his name. I'm hoping he won't share it with any classmates- though with JD Salinger going off and dying, who knows...

10 Your kid has to spell it. Why make 1st grade hard on your kid? Why make 3rd grade hard (when cursive is introduced)? I know Z's and Q's aren't completely avoidable but naming your kid Ladainian isn't very cool.

Bonus Rule - You're not that clever. The top five boys names in 1880- John, William, James, George and Charles. Top 5 for baby girls- Mary, Anna, Emma, Elizabeth and Margaret. Sure- some of those are a bit old fashioned- but you'll still find them all in the top 100. Now- I told you not to use the top 100- and I'm sticking to that, but my point is simply that things haven't changed that much. The best names are the best names for a reason. Find the top 500 names- and start looking between 250-500 and I'm sure you'll be more than happy with your choice..

... and THAT my friends, is how you waste an hour in Downtown Andy Brown Land.

Ernie Wins
Top Baby Names By Decade


photo source


[ comments ]
birdieXris says:
Well put, sir! My brother and sister just had a baby boy and named him Quinten. with an "i" not an "e". He will be called Quentin everywhere he goes. I feel sorry for him already. That can be very frustrating to a child to be called the wrong name. Plus, what are his nickname options? "the Q man". that'll be cool when he hits college.. maybe. he still rocks, either way. Cutest kid i ever seen.
3/29/10
 
falcon50driver says:
You are so correct about how people will pick on a name. My friend Joe Fishmouth finally got so frustrated that he had his name legally changed to Fred Fishmouth. You can only put up with.." Watcha Know Joe?"... just so much.
3/29/10
 
SingleDigits says:
I thought it was great how Ernie made clutch putts on the last three holes. They were all around 6' or so. Had to get up & down in the wet sand on #17. Very clutch.
3/29/10
 
activesense says:
Great rules...we went classical with my kids, Emma and Ryan, good old British names since I was born a Brit. My only downfall was Emma's middle name of Leah (pronounced Leigh) her mother's middle name is Leigh and grandmother's middle name is Lee, so we continued the tradition with a variant spelling. It is already mispronounced by the uninitiated and she will spend many years correcting people in the future.
I thankfully resisted the (miniscule) temptation to use Eldrick or Tont in the names of my children.
3/29/10
 
Clint24 says:
My parents used to live in Tampa, and my mother said one day she was in K-mart and this black lady (sorry if its racist at all) was yelling her kids name because she couldnt find him/her. My mom swears she heard her yell "Toilet!! Toilet!!"
3/29/10
 
Zepo1a says:
"Holdin' Brown"? Seriously? You fail @ being an expert. There are so many jokes for that name... :)
3/30/10
 
mjaber says:
I would like to point out the "Michael" is a biblical name as well, and a very powerful one at that.

My wife and I are expecting our first child, a girl, and we have settled on Payton. Other options I came up with, that were shot down by my wife, Stephanie and Elizabeth.

You "dick" reference should be further stressed if you have a last name like "Swett." There was a major political figure in New Hampshire who had such a name, and all of his posters/ads/etc. said "Vote for Dick Swett."
3/30/10
 
Lf Golf1 says:
If i have a kid ill name him boy.
3/30/10
 
activesense says:
I just noticed there are two #7's.
3/30/10
 
activesense says:
Crap joke alert.
My sister had twins, 1 boy and 1 girl, and she asked me for name suggestions. For the girl I suggested Denise and for the boy I suggested Denephew.

:( SORRY.
3/30/10
 
Kickntrue says:
@activesense- I promised to be an expert on naming kids- not on counting. Turns out you guys actually got 12 tips. Lucky bastards.

@m2d- loved your comment. classic you.

@zepo1a- you wanna step outside?
3/30/10
 
Kurt the Knife says:
"Peter also falls into this category. I'm not sure if there is a female equivalent"

... Mulva?
3/30/10
 
Kurt the Knife says:
I had some friends were considering names for their new boy.
His middle name was quite unusual, "Cees" (pronounced like "case")

So of course we suggested his first name be "Justin".

they didn't buy it.
3/30/10
 
Kickntrue says:
@KTK- I was thinking something like that. Virgina could be the best example. That's always made me laugh like a pervert. My grandmother's name is Verna. Something about that never sat well, either. Of course- you should stay away from Bond girl names. Pussy Galore... yah.
3/30/10
 
mjaber says:
Names to avoid for girls, unless you're raising her to be a stripper... Sky, Destiny, Chastity
3/30/10
 
Zepo1a says:
@Kickntrue: (@zepo1a- you wanna step outside?)

Only if we're going to the driving range :) This old man's fightin' days are over. :)
3/30/10
 
bortass says:
My wife wanted to name our son Colin and I told her he'd just be the butt of jokes," hey Colon blow, how's it going?". A nephew on her side named his son that and she gives me crap about it still.

So we named him Kyle after Kyle Reese of Terminator fame, lol.
3/30/10
 
Banker85 says:
My son is Jacoby and my daughter is Olvia so suck it! this is weird am i on oob? or mother to be?
3/30/10
 
Kickntrue says:
@banker85- who cares? anything to not talk about Eldrick Tont.
3/30/10
 
tennesseeboy says:
Never name your girl Ima. When she gets married to some one who's last name is a noun, it could be trouble. Ima Pigg, Ima Mann.. You get my point.
3/30/10
 
activesense says:
How about George Forman naming all his sons George? That's style.
3/30/10
 
mjaber says:
Brianna would be another girls name to avoid.
4/1/10
 
[ post comment ]
 
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