A Case For Staying Off Drugs.
By Kickntrue on 4/17/07
I'm sick- and last night was NOT a good night. I had a terrible headache followed by flu-like symptoms. So naturally I took 3 Aleve at 8 and 3 doses of Ny'Quil at 9. What follows is a "story" I was going to do for oob. I don't remember writing it, but woke up to a GREAT laugh. I'm not claiming to be funny, just susceptible to the effects of mixed over the counter drugs.

For your pleasure:

An Exclusive Interview With Timothy Mallard

In 1982 golf was supposed to change forever. A force like none ever seen was ripping birdie after birdie through the high school ranks on the rural golf courses of South Dakota. Sadly, not many people remember Timothy Mallard or the tale of his failure. 25 years later- we found Tim and asked him about the tragic events that led to him quitting the game of golf forever. Here- is oobgolf.com's exclusive interview with the star-crossed anatidaephobic.

The transcript of the interview- from April 1, 2007.

oobgolf: Tim, thanks for sitting down with us.

TM: No problem. It's been too long. It's time I got some things off my chest and answered some questions.

oobgolf: Ok, on that note- let's dig right in. What happened?

TM: Heh, that's the question of the day I guess. The short answer is- ducks happened. Growing up in South Dakota I didn't see too many ducks- none in fact, and that was a good thing.

oobgolf: Ducks?
TM: Yeah, it's almost funny now. I know it sounds ridiculous. You see- I was.. or am a recovering anatidaephobic. I'll explain- anatidaephobia is the fear of constantly being watched by ducks. I think they may have invented the term for me. There certainly aren't a lot of us around.

It's almost too much really, considering my last name on top of the rest of the events of my life. It's quite.. well, fowl.

oobgolf: You realize how ridiculous this sounds?

TM: Yeah- it's sounds insane, but it's real. One thing you have to remember is that when you suffer from an illness, especially mental it doesn't matter how you appear to others. To you- it's real.

oobgolf: What did you mean by- "rest of the events" of your life?

TM: Well... (45 seconds later) ...that's what nobody really knows. That's the pat of the story that got lost in the shuffle. There was a girl- my first love, Jenny Rolle. When you're 17 years old people can lose site of how important your sweetheart can be.

Jenny was killed in a car accident while on vacation with her family in Florida. I was supposed to be on that trip with her. I remember arguing with mom for days over letting me go with the Rolle's. In the end, it ended up not mattering, because I was invited to play in my first pro event and had to bail on the trip. She was so proud of me- she just wouldn't let me say no.

Anyway- Mr. Rolle was driving on a street parallel to the beach and a duck flew into the windshield of the car. They swerved off the road and hit a telephone pole. Jenny wasn't wearing her seatbelt... and well, (20 seconds) ...that's what nobody knows. I thought I'd never forgive myself for not being with her.

oobgolf: So- because your girlfriend died from circumstances due to a duck- you became afraid of them? Wow is really all I can say.

TM: Yeah. It just came at a terrible time. Everything was going so good. In the spring of 1982 I was getting a lot of publicity for my game. Back then, getting your name in "Faces In The Crowd" in Sports Illustrated meant something. I still have the issue I was featured in. March 15th- Reggie Jackson was on the cover smiling ear to ear in his Angels uniform.

As I previously mentioned, I'd been invited to play in a pro event and was well known throughout South Dakota as the top Prep star in ANY sport.

oobgolf: So how did you move on?

TM: Poorly. I never really did from that point on. I tried to continue golfing but it became more and more difficult. You know how hard it is to play a decent golf course with no water?

oobgolf: No water?

TM: You try and find a course with water hazards that has no ducks.

oobgolf: So if a course had water, you wouldn't play?

TM: I COULDN'T play. I just always felt like they were watching me, just looking through my soul. The way they strut around all cocky. The way their beady eyes stare at you. I just couldn't do it. Every time I saw a duck anger boiled up inside me and exploded in a terrible rage. I would get so angered that my swing would speed up- and I'd end up duck hooking all my shots. Ducks literally showed up EVERYWHERE in my life. I couldn't escape their glare.

I even tried playing only Links style courses for awhile. I moved to Scotland when I was 21 to see if I could fix my game there. It was no use. Once you fear the duck's stare, geese and seagulls start looking scary too.

oobgolf: Moving forward, you are using the past tense- it sounds like you've overcome this...

TM: Again- I'm GETTING over it. My therapist suggested a creative outlet other than golf to face my fear. The only other thing I was good at was whittling. It came to me in a dream one night- and The Golf Duck was born.

oobgolf: What's The Golf Duck?

TM: I discovered with the help of my therapist that the head of a golf club looks a lot like the body of a duck. So I started creating custom club heads in the shape of ducks- painted to match. I now have 12 different kinds of ducks that I make. Everything from the Mallard to the Red Breast Merganser. I even have a website- thegolfduck.com.


And that was pretty much it. Just ended. I really have no clue what to say on this one - except again, don't do drugs.

[ comments ]
golfray says:
A strong case for ducking drugs.
buckt says:
Several years ago (over 10) I lost the golf duck banner you are displaying on your website. Where in the world did you find it? It was accidently thrown away at a crafts fair I was attending in North Wilkesboro NC. I never thought I'd see it again. I don't want it back or anything but I really would like to know how you came to find it. Please reply to this at my email address: buckt1@bellsouth.net.
Buck T
[ post comment ]
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